Bath and body works/ Influenster

In my vox box was a bath and body works sample in the fregrance midnight mist and it is the most amazing sent i have smelt in a while. Love it thanks influenster

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never in my life have  i ever felt this sown i do not know what is wrong with me i just hope that things look up. it seems like everything keeps going down hill. is there an up hill to my life or is it going to be all down hill......

i called the college here and trying to get in to get my assessment done so that way i can get enrolled in online classes to get my ged and then if i am able to get that then i will enroll to get my RN license. after i called the college they said that they would have to call me back and go figure i did not hear from them back..... again will it ever go up or am i just one of those people that nothing goes up???????????

wow i really wish that i knew what is wrong with me. i do not know if i am depressed and that is what is wrong with me or what but things have got to change.  if not there is nothing for me to look forward to. josh had an interview today he says it went good but they said that if he does not hear from them by monday at noon to call them back it is only part time and no benefits either at least it is some money coming in. still will not be enough but i guess it is a start.  can i just scream and scream all the time....... no that wont help either.

thats all for now hope i feel better soon

not doing to good

i have not been doing to good. i have been trying to let god speak to me and hear what he wants me to do. i just dont know what to do. i stay sad 99% of the time i hide it from everyone but my hubby has started to notice. any little thing about someone being pregnant, or just hearing about thing to do with babies makes me sad.... also all i want to do is go look at baby stuff. what is wrong with me lord please tell me i need you now more than i have ever. but where are you. if i were to ask someone they would say he is right with you and just feel him there..... but i dont what is wrong with me. please lord help me please please please. please tell me what i need to change to be able to achieve my dreams. this is my prayer i pray to you lord please help me.

my heart hurts extra bad today

my heart is hurting extra hard today. wishing i could just go to the dr so that we can get on with trying to have a baby. this really hurts. i know there is someone out there that knows how i feel but right now it does not seem like it. i got this message from a girl that was wanting to give her baby up for adoption......(I'm glad I met you too and if I do realize I can't I want you and your husband to be his parent)  so now i do not know what she is going to do. she say that she wants to try to take care of him first. i feel bad when i think that i do not want her to be able to take care of him so that we can have a baby. so 7 years of hurt i guess waiting longer will not kill me. maybe this is just god telling me that i will never get to have my dream of being a mom. i just dont understand as long as i can remember i have wanted to be a mom. i also wanted to have more than one. now i would give anything just to be called mommy by one. i sit day after day crying about all of the things that i cant change maybe i just need to move on and get a new dream. i wish i knew what was wrong with me. hope that i feel better soon. praying for a miracle to happen soon. with all that has been going wrong or bad in my life something has got to break soon..

Why

tears roll down my face at the thought of never being able to have a baby. not being able to go to the dr does not help one bit. i just wish i knew why. all of the WHYS, why me, why now, why face hair, why, why, why.... nothing makes since to me. i don't know what i am supposed to be doing. do not know what job is going to come or not come. i do not know what josh is going to do, will he go in the army or will he try to find another job? right now looks like neither. i wish i could get a good job. it is hard when no one will hire you with out experience or a ged/ high school diploma. it suck having to rely on someone for everything. especially if that someone acts like they dont want you around.(this is just what i feel).................why can some people have babies with out even trying or being young and still have alot that they want to do. or like the duggers that can keep popping them out even after 19. and i cant even have one all i want is one to have, hold and watch grow up. teach them about the lord, right and wrong. again why why why why why. that is all that i can think of. on the other hand i feel so bad for feeling like this.   

my fertility friend chart

this is my chart ya'll hope some sees this that can give me some advice. ok ya'll i have not had a period sense i think may of 2010. i started charting in November so that when i am able to go see a dr i will have something to show them. also we have been trying sense we got married in 2004 but more serious the last 5 years. i wish i knew what was going on i have no idea and just wish that i knew. thats all for now 

today not a good day

so yesterday i weighed and i have lost 5 pounds. tonight we are going to go over to someones house that i do not know to meet them for the first time my hubby knows the hubby and has yet to meet the wife i guess will be a good thing to meet new people. it is just really going to be hard because they have a baby that is one (i think) and she is pregnant with one on the way. i pray lord give me the strength to get thru the night with out feeling bad because i cant have my baby that i want. she is also going to cook somethin for us and i hope that they will have something that will be not to high in carbs as to not get us out of ketosis. i also hope that i keep losing this weight i still have 105 pounds to lose.  please lord please let me lose this weight. i am trying to learn what work outs i need to do to lose this weight.