waiting patiently for Gods miracle

blah

2011-02-25T16:36:00.000-08:00

never in my life have i ever felt this sown i do not know what is wrong with me i just hope that things look up. it seems like everything keeps going down hill. is there an up hill to my life or is it going to be all down hill......

i called the college here and trying to get in to get my assessment done so that way i can get enrolled in online classes to get my ged and then if i am able to get that then i will enroll to get my RN license. after i called the college they said that they would have to call me back and go figure i did not hear from them back..... again will it ever go up or am i just one of those people that nothing goes up???????????

wow i really wish that i knew what is wrong with me. i do not know if i am depressed and that is what is wrong with me or what but things have got to change. if not there is nothing for me to look forward to. josh had an interview today he says it went good but they said that if he does not hear from them by monday at noon to call them back it is only part time and no benefits either at least it is some money coming in. still will not be enough but i guess it is a start. can i just scream and scream all the time....... no that wont help either.

thats all for now hope i feel better soon

not doing to good

2011-02-16T23:32:00.000-08:00

i have not been doing to good. i have been trying to let god speak to me and hear what he wants me to do. i just dont know what to do. i stay sad 99% of the time i hide it from everyone but my hubby has started to notice. any little thing about someone being pregnant, or just hearing about thing to do with babies makes me sad.... also all i want to do is go look at baby stuff. what is wrong with me lord please tell me i need you now more than i have ever. but where are you. if i were to ask someone they would say he is right with you and just feel him there..... but i dont what is wrong with me. please lord help me please please please. please tell me what i need to change to be able to achieve my dreams. this is my prayer i pray to you lord please help me.

my heart hurts extra bad today

2011-02-06T12:53:00.000-08:00

my heart is hurting extra hard today. wishing i could just go to the dr so that we can get on with trying to have a baby. this really hurts. i know there is someone out there that knows how i feel but right now it does not seem like it. i got this message from a girl that was wanting to give her baby up for adoption......(I'm glad I met you too and if I do realize I can't I want you and your husband to be his parent) so now i do not know what she is going to do. she say that she wants to try to take care of him first. i feel bad when i think that i do not want her to be able to take care of him so that we can have a baby. so 7 years of hurt i guess waiting longer will not kill me. maybe this is just god telling me that i will never get to have my dream of being a mom. i just dont understand as long as i can remember i have wanted to be a mom. i also wanted to have more than one. now i would give anything just to be called mommy by one. i sit day after day crying about all of the things that i cant change maybe i just need to move on and get a new dream. i wish i knew what was wrong with me. hope that i feel better soon. praying for a miracle to happen soon. with all that has been going wrong or bad in my life something has got to break soon..

Why

2011-02-02T21:34:00.000-08:00

tears roll down my face at the thought of never being able to have a baby. not being able to go to the dr does not help one bit. i just wish i knew why. all of the WHYS, why me, why now, why face hair, why, why, why.... nothing makes since to me. i don't know what i am supposed to be doing. do not know what job is going to come or not come. i do not know what josh is going to do, will he go in the army or will he try to find another job? right now looks like neither. i wish i could get a good job. it is hard when no one will hire you with out experience or a ged/ high school diploma. it suck having to rely on someone for everything. especially if that someone acts like they dont want you around.(this is just what i feel).................why can some people have babies with out even trying or being young and still have alot that they want to do. or like the duggers that can keep popping them out even after 19. and i cant even have one all i want is one to have, hold and watch grow up. teach them about the lord, right and wrong. again why why why why why. that is all that i can think of. on the other hand i feel so bad for feeling like this.

my fertility friend chart

2011-01-28T19:31:00.001-08:00

this is my chart ya'll hope some sees this that can give me some advice. ok ya'll i have not had a period sense i think may of 2010. i started charting in November so that when i am able to go see a dr i will have something to show them. also we have been trying sense we got married in 2004 but more serious the last 5 years. i wish i knew what was going on i have no idea and just wish that i knew. thats all for now

today not a good day

2011-01-22T10:38:00.000-08:00

so yesterday i weighed and i have lost 5 pounds. tonight we are going to go over to someones house that i do not know to meet them for the first time my hubby knows the hubby and has yet to meet the wife i guess will be a good thing to meet new people. it is just really going to be hard because they have a baby that is one (i think) and she is pregnant with one on the way. i pray lord give me the strength to get thru the night with out feeling bad because i cant have my baby that i want. she is also going to cook somethin for us and i hope that they will have something that will be not to high in carbs as to not get us out of ketosis. i also hope that i keep losing this weight i still have 105 pounds to lose. please lord please let me lose this weight. i am trying to learn what work outs i need to do to lose this weight.

diet weight job and plans

2011-01-17T23:39:00.000-08:00

my hubby and i started the Atkins diet on Jan 15, 2011. when we started i weighed 245 my hubby weighed 280. i want to lose 110 lbs and my hubby wants to lose about 80 lbs. i want to lose that weight so that i will be in the healthy weight range for my height. and he wants to lose the weight so he will be in at a good weight to join the army. he is wanting to lose the weight by April so he will be able to join at the beginning of April. we made this decision is because we feel that this will be the only way that we will be able to make a living and have health care as well. i am OK with this because i love him and i know deep down that this is one of the 2 things that he has always wanted to do. i will be posting my weight and what i ate i will also post the exercises that i did on the days as well on Fridays.i hope that this will keep my accountable. i told my hubby the other day that i wish April was already hear so that if he is accepted in the army that we can get it over with. we have not spent a night apart sense we have gotten married almost 7 years ago. but then i look at it and say that i hope that time does not go by fast because i know that i am going to miss him so much. well that is all for today good night and sweet dreams to me.

hard day

2010-03-20T22:52:00.000-07:00

today was a hard day. thinking about and missing my in-laws. i am hoping that these first 30 days of work go by fast so that i can get my insurance in effect so that i can go to the dr. i also think that i need to go to the eye dr i do not think my glasses are working all that great for me any more. i am going to be sad when my godson and his mom and dad move back to arizona. i enjoy watching him when i can. it helps me feel better as a cant have on my self. yet. we are still hoping and praying that the lord will bless us with a baby soon. for some reason i think that the days are going by slower and slower everyday. i am watching the movie helping hands and i wish that things like that would happen today. this is a good movie. one day everyone that is in pain and hurting will be pain free and not hurting anymore.

life and update

2010-03-10T20:42:00.000-08:00

life has been going good it is kinda lonely at the house my husbands mom and dad are out of the state and in Florida and getting started at the cancer center there. it is not looking to good. about a month before he left he had something that looked like a blister above his lip removed and now it is coming back and when they had it removed before they tested it and is was the cancer the has spread to his skin. they met with the cancer dr. today and he said that there were more options that he could take orally i am not sure the cancer dr. thinks to much is going to help. we believe in god for a miracle. life has been better but i guess the lord never gives you anything that you can not handle. it is now in the lords hands. and we pray for a miracle.

water fast?

2010-03-02T23:34:00.000-08:00

i am thinking about starting a water fast to help me get closer to the lord and i hope in getting closer to the lord that i will be able to hear what i am to be doing. i am unsure at this time how long i will be doing it for but i hope to do it for at least a month to start out with or longer if i need to. if any one reads this please tell me what your thoughts are. ( by water fast i mean nothing goes in my body but water.) I DID NOT DO THIS as i read more into it and it is really not that good for you

long time

2010-03-02T23:30:00.000-08:00

i figure it is about time that i post a new blog. nothing has changed except i find myself wanting, as of lately. it really sucks that i want things but i have no way of getting those things. on the up side i got a car 2 weeks ago for 200 and all it needed was breaks and roters which cost me 60 all together. yay. on the down side to this the person that i bought the car from has been driving me crazy about getting the title and making excuses. but i was driving it the other day and guess what i hit a pot hole and the tire goes flat and it is dark and the ground is all wet from the snow melting. so i get to change a tire in the dark hardly any light and i get to get all wet because of the water. hey i cant be to mad because at least i know how to change a tire thanks to my husband and his family. last week my mother and father in law left cheyenne wyoming to go to florida to take him to the cancer center. they have just got to his sisters house and are settled in then they take my dad in law to the hospital because he has a bad cough. come to find out he has a respitory infection. yuck. and are keeping him at the hospital for 24 hours. then when they release him they are heading to the cancer center to get everything started there. we are unsure how long they are going to be gone but are hoping that they help him get better while they are away. then yesterday we are at my brother in laws and we get home and one of our dogs had died while we were out.... i can only hold on to the hope that god never gives you more than you can handle, and sometime soon i will come out on the other side of this with everything ok, and maybe a miracle on the way i hope.

today is a day i will never forget for many reasons

2009-11-21T22:11:00.000-08:00

one of the many reasons is that my baby sister sierra was born today at 104 pm. the other is that it hit really hard that i have been waiting to have a baby for 5 years. this is a happy and sad day all at the same time. this is not something that i am proud of by any means and i am truly happy for my mom and step dad. and congrats to them. i just keep asking what did i do so wrong that i am not able to have a baby. is there even a way that i will be able to have a baby? all of these questions and more go through my head every day. i do not think that people should live their live asking themselves these questions. so that is why i wonder about them so often because i know that i have not done anything to not be able to have a baby. but one still has to wonder. i guess it would be helpful to be able to talk to some one that has went through this and knows how i feel but now i dont so i guess i have to write it down to kepp from having it all bottle up inside and then blow up one day at my husband that does not deserve it. my husband is a great man and wants me to talk to him about it but he does not understand the pain and everything that is involved with not being able to feel like a woman and have the body work the way it is supossed to. and because we are not made of money there is not even a way that i can feel like a woman is supossed to feel. i thank god for my family and everyone that he has brought into my life. and i pray that he keeps everyone of you safe and away from harm.

the start to a long juroney still in progress

2009-10-26T22:22:00.000-07:00

my husband and i got married on July 20, 2004. i was 16 and he was 18 yes this is young but we knew through God that we were meant to be together for the rest of our lives. shortly after my 17th birthday we started to ttc (try to conceive). this did not happen although we tried and tried. i also still had insurance. we tried for a year and then i decided to go to the doctor and see what the problem was. the first time i went to the doctor the doctor and i talked the doctor then took blood and i went home no news yet. i then went back and got the results of the blood work and was told that everything was fine. also at his appointment i told the doctor that i had not had a period scene November of 2004. then the doctor set up an ultrasound to see what was going on nothing looked abnormal i was told. so we just let it be at that for another month i then went back to the doctor and i was told that even though i did not have any cysts on my ovaries that i had pcos (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). i was confused...... how can this be will i ever be able to have a child???? i asked the doctor and was told that it is possible but that i had to be on medication. he then put me on metformin. i was unsure why because i knew from my mother in law that this is a diabetic medication after the doctor told me that the blood work all looked fine. but i knew that the doctor had a reason. so i took metformin for a month and then went back to see if everything was ok. i was told that everything was fine. the doctor then prescribed me a drug that was supposed to make me have a period and still nothing so the doctor tried a higher dose. still nothing so we tried something different. this gave me a period and then the next month back at the doctor and he then said take the period drug and then 7 days after take clomid. nothing to my knowledge happened. :( so then the doctor had my husband do a seaman analysis. everything is normal they said..... i got to take one round of clomid do to loss in insurance covering this drug..... so then this had been 2 years and i was dropped from my insurance. so there was no going to see the doctor or any medication for me. scene then i have not been able to go to the doctor or anything. my husband and i keep looking to god and praying that our miracle will happen soon it is just hard to keep everything together especially when everyone around us is pregnant. including friends and my mother. this is very hard. but i know that through the grace of God our miracle will happen soon i have to or i will not be able to keep my eyes on god and the promises that he has made through the bible.